| friday bights |
[04 Oct 2003|06:12pm] |
Champagne x 2 glasses
Sambucca shots x 4
Quadruple Vodka & Orange x 1
Vodka Martini x 1
Double Vodkas & Orange x 7
Double Vodkas & Red bull x 4
Cocaine 3/4g
Bottle of JD (shot competition at 5 a.m) x ?
Bottle of Gin (shot competition at 6 a.m) x ?
Cigarettes x 4
Police fine £30
Parking fine £30
Cash spent £150
I am broken. Temporarily Out of Order.
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| satie |
[30 Sep 2003|11:15pm] |
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mood |
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reflective |
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music |
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satie - piano |
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is beautiful.. Pablo - sorry still have your CD!! This is amazing. Am I departing the non-digital world? It seems so limiting. So simple. But am I not denying some fundamental aspects of existence? The online world seems so much more intimate. So much more true to self. Conversational dynamics are restrictive in the real world....
Or is it all about self-indulgence? All this introspective lark? I have no idea what I am writing. Satie is taling me on a little journey. A journey of head swings and eyebrow exercises.... eyes temporarily closed and then opened every so often....
OK. So time to tidy. The mess...
Need to set up my own personal website! Nice little project...
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| testing client |
[30 Sep 2003|12:28am] |
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mood |
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 excited |
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I have just explored the recent developments made on livejournal.com and got incredibly excited. It is excellent. I have also recently got a lovely iBook and so writing in bed is just an absolute pleasure. I downloaded some client thing for my desktop hoping that it would encourage to make more contributions but I am unclear about my expectations as I thought I would be able certain things that don't appear to be available. I am now simply testing and experimenting....to be continued...
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| re-entry |
[26 Aug 2003|08:43pm] |
My reticence can only be attributed to an excessive evening of fun and frolics on Friday night. Doing a shot competition at 5.30 in the morning with Brandy does not make for a fully functioning saturday day. I had intended to go down to the notting hill carnival to see me brethrens but was far too incapacitated to even contemplate the requisite energetic expenditure. Thursday night was actually quite interesting - a friend of mine from London had come to stay for a couple of days. He's working at Accenture which he hates with a passion and has been in talks with me over the past 6 months about setting up a company together. He's been too slow off the mark though and I have had to make my own moves. We ended up having a very philosophical conversation and discussion. It was cool. I love introducing people and justifying our existence purely from a scientific point of view. We discussed many things but talked at depth about the evolution of altruism and morality. How society was essentially formed initially. I'm too tired at this point in time to elaborate but I am sure I'll make my thoughts known in this journal over time. It was interesting for me to discover just how little most people actually think about so many of these underlying issues - the big philosophical questions. Everyone seems to be walking around in a sense of denial. That's not to say that Matt, my friend, walks around in denial, it's just that nobody seems to directly confront other people about their fundamental beliefs. Most people don't actually know what they truly think. They're in this reactive blur! Is that a misperception? An over-generalisation? Wake up!! Wake up!!
I spent the day with my grandparents yesterday helping them out with all things heavy in the garden which was cool. Beautiful house in the country backing on to extensive farmland. My nan embarked on her life story - how she set up a betting shop and a clothes shop, which is still running very profitably, after the war. She did very well and it was music to my ears talking about the entrepreneurial roots that run in the family. She is a very funny woman. Interestingly, she knew Mr Pontin and was asked to run one of the first holiday homes ever to open. As far as I know they became a big business. My Grandad had after flying Lancaster bombers in the war developed what would now be clearly labelled as post traumatic stress disorder which meant that they had to remain in London for whatever reason. They have been incredibly loyal to each other over the years. Really quite beautiful.
Must stop dribbling!
Going tut cinema...
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| toe hurts |
[20 Aug 2003|09:57pm] |
Tired. It was the first time I have played football since the season finished and buoy it's good to get back to running around like a lunatic. I am however incredibly tired. Kon and Raph are off to Israel tomorrow. They are a little shaken since there was a bomb last night (20 people killed) around the corner from where they are staying initially. I wish I was going and should be really but given my situation when they booked it just didn't seem a viable option.
Mum has just got back from a Cheetah conservation project she has been working on in Namibia for the past month. It sounds unbelievable. I'll have to go and do my bit sometime soon. It's the usual story - white american woman founded the project a number of years ago out of a burning passion for saving the cheetah, which incidentally is the most endangered species of "pusshy" (Sean Connery accent) in Africa. She has a pet cheetah that she has raised from birth because her mother was shot by poachers which now behaves pretty much like a dog. She takes it for walks and it sits in the front seat of her range rover as they cruise the savannah..etc etc.... pretty cool though huh?
So, I saw the biggest prick of a web developer today. I am restricting myself from calling him up and actually telling him what I complete burk I think he is for wasting my time. I can't believe some people. Awareness and commercial brain of a fricking gnat!!
I also saw an exceptionally good web developer. A lovely lovely girl, early thrities with great form. She really understood the concept and rather than simply being a developer who produces a product that you specify, could actually add far more value by seeking involvement in the creative process and the intention of forming an ongoing relationship over time. Looking forward to meeting her real creative guy and brains behind the business. Classic right place right time for her business.
Had a little exchange of emails today with Leonie, the girl from last night. She's cool. I like her. She's a thinker for sure. She's written a book. Great body. She's divorcing her husband and apparently I put a perspective on the whole thing which sent her to work in a euphoric state, which was nice to hear. It was the usual "whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger" spiel which seems to always be applicable when people are going through a rough time.
Asleep.
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| fleeting |
[19 Aug 2003|07:10pm] |
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Just got in . Just about to go out. I am off out for dins dins with three cliterati - my new word for the plural of "girl." I shall let you work out the words from which is it derived. Tonight holds much promise. Well, it doesn't at all. I am just secretly hoping it will. I have been told that one of the girls I am meeting is a serious philosopher and has some serious depth to her character and that I will like her a lot. As a bonus she looks like Melanie Blatt from the All Saints - apparently she regularly gets stopped and asked if she is in fact her. People have limited perceptive/observational skills though evidently because whilst similar they are clearly not the same person. I can see the parallels but then again I was absolutely hammered when I met her. Only problem lies in the fact that I used to see her best mate who has described the potential of us getting together as being a little weird. That's bolloxs I of course said. Weirdness is a matter of choice. Anyway, I was hoping to have some reflections before and after but I am seriously late (as usual) and must dash.....
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| lets roll with this |
[18 Aug 2003|10:03pm] |
Tunes playing. Window open. Breeze breezin. Bottle of water. It would be cool if you could access a journal entry and a piece of music played, a piece which captured the spirit in which the entry was written. Oh well, give it time. Interactive text which stimulates multiple senses! So thoughts on today huh? Today was reasonably productive particularly in terms of vision alignment with me and one of the other directors - antony. There is definitely some chemistry between us and I am convinced that between us we can make a success of the enterprise. We'll have to see. Actually, I would like to restrict access to parts of this journal so that I can talk about commercially sensitive issues - is that possible? I'll have to investigate. It would be cool to keep a record as things unfold. The thought processes, observations and relationships that are built over time.
I have serious misgivings over the amount of equity I have sacrificed in order to get this thing of the ground - 75% - which is just ridiculous and when I think about it, it makes me sick. I wasn't proactively looking for funds though and that was just put on the table at the time. I'll just have to run with it, there are other aspects to the deal though, although slightly less tangible at this stage. I'm getting a wage and have all the resources of an office to hand and can pretty much do what the hell I want. All up to me to make it happen.
(I am chatting with my friend on MSN, and keep bursting hysterically into laughter for no real reason. Just one of those rare occasions where you just can't help yourself laughing, those occasions where you then start laughing at the extent at which you are laughing... my chest hurts!!!)
Just for the record I think I should mention the stag do on friday night. Mayhem is the only word that describes the entire evening. It kicked off at around 6pm with about 4 shots of sambuca/tequilla on entry followed by an extensive number of drinks, beers and more shots before we got in the taxi and went to the restaurant that we had hired - an upstairs room. Don't ask me to describe it - all I remember is the champagne reception and vaguely what it looks like. The usual contemporary slick generally boring design that seems to pervade bar and restaurants throughout the lands..
I bumped into my ex girlfriend literally as we stumbled out of the taxi. A split second either way and we would have missed each other. It was cool to see her. I do love her but we can't be together. Why? I don't know. It just didn't work out in the end. Its all a timing thing and I wasn't ready for the level of commitment that she was looking for. Anyway, I stupidly called her when I got to the resturant and I have no idea what I was saying to her. I know that the general gist was that I want to see her purely as friends but that she can't deal with it emotionally. I stupidly told her that I recently discovered a porno film we made when we were 19. Sorry, that's one of the reasons why it was mad to bump into her, since I had recently found this film, watched it about 5 times (thought about pursuing a career in the porn industry), and she had been a prevalent part of my mind over the past couple of days prior....was cool to see her though..
So, anyway..arrived at the restaurant and I have no idea how long we were there for.. I presume about 2 or 3 hours. I remember about 3 minutes worth, if that. Basically as soon as we got in there, all sat down, someone threw a glass of water at someone which resulted in the biggest drink and food fight I have ever been in in my life. I managed to without thinking and clearly in a state of "fight or flight" grabbed a bottle of what turned out to be red wine and instead of throwing its contents in retaliation, I actually threw the whole bottle of wine by accident ..... which narrowly missed my friend's head and smashed on a pillar behind him.. quite shocking actually.... the bottle of course smashed and covered Brock and Raph - both wearing white shirts in red wine... still can't believe it...
Other incidents:
Konrad threw a double vodka, with ice, lemon etc.. directly into my face and particularly my right eye which resulted in temporary blindness and a bloodshot eye for approximately an hour of so (not that I had a sense of time).James - the guy whose stag do it was - literally chucked his whole meal over someone. The waitress put it down, a £15 lovely garnished dish, and as soon as she turned her back and went downstairs, the contents were all over the place, mainly over someone but I have no idea who. This of course then spiralled out of control with everyone getting involved either as initiator or retaliator..... I wish I could remember more. My mind is practically blank. Strippers - two nice birds, probably about 21 and very sexy. Thinking about it I would have loved to have been sober. Not that they excited me but I would have liked to see everyone's faces. Everyone was going crazy. Can hardly remember what went on.....They refused £5K to come back to the house for a mass orgy which clearly would have been particularly memorable.
Anyway, back to Dave's and the party continued. This involved throwing a select number of individuals into his pond where there are approximately 50 koy carp. Was all quite funny seen as though it require about 15 people in total to actually get Dave in. He is a true beast! I got bored and wondered off and ended up going into Manchester to meet a couple of people, which proved to be quite fruitful. Ended up pulling this sexy girl although she fell asleep when things were getting interesting.... (I was caught with my head between her legs by a couple of people back at her house!!! Some people have said that they were literally watching for a period of time, they deny such and they that they just stuck their head around the door!! All funny though although I was topic of significant piss taking today in the office! But then that is whole another story.. and it's time for bed...
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| catharsis |
[17 Aug 2003|11:08pm] |
As much as a remain an incredibly positive person and as much as I understand that your emotions are a construct of your mental state, that is, your present perspective of reality, a perspective that by definition is open to intepretation and therefore can be subjected to both positive and negative viewpoints I am generally quite pissed off. I feel like shit. Well, not strictly like shit. More, confused and in a state of existential anguish. I know that this is partly a product of the excessive alcohol consumption over the past 48 hours but.....it worries me.. I am lost and I know it!!
Existential anguish is something that I am quite familiar with and indeed has been a prevalent aspect of my life for as long as I can remember. It's just that is hasn't surfaced for a long period of time. It's a state of mind in which near enough everything, every facet of my existence is called into doubt. That is everything. I don't actually know what I think. What I believe. What I truly value - that is, where I place my values relative to one another. My core being is in a state of turmoil. All i know is that I can think and that there are numerable ways of thinking about everything. Nothing is correct. Everything is a matter of perspective. Everything is deconstructed and I am left as a pile of rumble, of little bits and pieces.
Am I self-obsessed?
I feel like I have so much to say - to express. My mind is racing. No, not racing with too many thoughts. More, flitting from one topic to another, from one theme to another, from one association to another. It's like I feel like I can link so many facets of life into an integrated perspective, a philosophy. Maybe thats what I want and should do. Construct I philosophy or at least align myself with elements of existing philosophies. Its just that I dont seem to get the time.. But then what the fuck do I do with my time?
I have just read what I just wrote. I want to stop thinking that I need to compose this for anyone but myself. Already I am thinking that this is just some introspective babble which is largely bullshit. I want to maintain the view that my audience is nobody other than myself. I want to maintain what I said before:
Value lies in the writing. Not in the reading. (That is relatively, since I am sure when I look back over this in time, there will be some value. I am particularly interested in how emotions and therefore cognitions fluctuate over time.)
Am I still struggling to reconcile the reasons, the motives as to why I want to publish my thoughts. I am loving the idea of monitoring my state of mind over time and I think the software is a useful way of making notes on various thoughts and events occuring in my life but having an audience, no matter how small seems to restrict expression. Perhaps I have a competitive nature and I want my entries to be good reads, maybe that's what it is. I pressure myself to always display an element of originality, to display something that exhibits a talent.
That's it! I have just uncovered a core belief of mine, which I think is intimately linked to way I am subjected to existential anguish regularly. That is the belief that in general I can achieve anything I choose to put my mind to. Obviously, there are exceptions but in general I genuinely believe that I could do pretty much anything. This is not some arrogant perspective. I believe that anyone above certain thresholds on a whole host of attributes can achieve anything they put their mind to. Call it the "faking it" principle for now but I would like to define this more appropriately at a later date.
Faking it - the TV series - (I don't really watch TV but I found the concept interesting) was a great example of how anyone with a decent level of self-awareness, or probably more strictly adaptability can pretty much do anything they put their mind to.
It has just started raining very heavily and given my current mood I am choosing to stick my head out the window and embrace the sensation....
I actually without even being conscious of it, vocally displayed a sense of relief on experiencing the sensation. Each raindrop unleashed some of the tension I am presently feeling and I am now a lot closer to being able to place my head on the pillow and fall into a deep relaxing sleep. I need to be more in touch with nature. I need more life sensation. I crave for..... something... what am I searching for? I am very tempted to walk downstairs and stand in the rain amongst the huge trees in my garden, head pointing up at the sky, arms stretched out crucifix stylie and let the rain just fall on my face.......the thought even is just sending me to sleep...
Anyway, it all comes down to choice. If you can do anything you pretty much put your mind to, then what you end up doing with your life should not be a reactionary product but a conscious choice. What the hell am I going on about?
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[17 Aug 2003|07:20pm] |
I have sat at my desk for the past few hours and achieved absolutley nothing. I have pretty much stared vacantly into space, well into the canopy of trees that surround my bedroom window. Alcohol really doesn't make me feel great the following day, especially on Sundays! This weekend kicked off with the Stag do - a night of absolute mayhem. Ooo - phone.
Oopps - argument with person on end of phone!! Whats wrong with people sometimes? Will have to postpone entry. Going to see Rodger Dodger...on my own now...
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| catching up |
[17 Aug 2003|03:22pm] |
I actually came in last night and attempted to make an entry in a rather intoxicated state. I evidently got bored and passed out. So, remember the nice girl who's boyfriend died the other day? Just thought this little conversation on msn whilst at work on Friday was worthy of entry:
Alex says: (4:27:58 pm)
good day? i have to go to a stag do tonight...just want to go home and relax!!!!
Flora says: (4:29:00 pm)
quite a good day, got most stuff sorted so I can relax a bit over hte weekend.
Flora says: (4:29:08 pm)
been coffin-decorating!
Flora says: (4:29:26 pm)
Si was a big fan of all things Porsche
Flora says: (4:29:48 pm)
so i had a neat little Porsche logo put on either end
Flora says: (4:29:59 pm)
looks v. smart, and tasteful
Alex says: (4:30:05 pm)
cool...thats very cool
Flora says: (4:30:38 pm)
yeah, i'm thinking of setting up a stand at the reception to take orders for more Porsche coffins. I see a big demand.....
Flora says: (4:31:01 pm)
it's a white coffin too
Alex says: (4:31:17 pm)
designer through and through!!!
Flora says: (4:31:25 pm)
absolutely.
Alex says: (4:31:35 pm)
everything requires those little tweaks
Flora says: (4:32:02 pm)
it's nice because Si always liked going that little bit further with everything. I know he'd appreciate being a bit different!
Alex says: (4:32:32 pm)
definitely... quite a beautiful thing to do...
Make of that what you will but clearly not your average chit chat on msn.
I'm just not flowing at the moment......
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| the difference |
[15 Aug 2003|12:19am] |
The difference between writing a journal that you know nobody is going to read and one in which you know at least one person is going to read changes the whole dynamics. I can forsee this being an exceptionally good tool for me to monitor my behaviour, actions and intentions.
I have always liked the idea of writing a journal purely for one purpose - to allow indviduals you meet to trace the evolution of your thought processes over time such that they can reach a deeper understanding of who exactly you are. It kinda allows them to get to know you quicker, to get to know you further in their own time. Asynchronous bonding. Theoretically I could be bonding, establishing quite intimate relationships with a whole host of individuals all at the same time, whilst I am in fact ....snowboarding say...
Is that possible? Does that make sense?
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| forcing it |
[14 Aug 2003|11:33pm] |
In an attempt to make a daily journal entry the following little piece emerged. I do feel like I am forcing something out. The eyes are watering and I need to get some sleep. I have just been chatting to someone I met at a networking conference about 18 months ago. We were all allocated places on various tables but being that she was the only attractive girl in the place, I decided to go and sit with her and leave the loosers on my table. Anyway, lovely girl, cambridge graduate in engineering or something with a real creative streak and serious interests in interior design. Anyway, her boyfriend has had cancer for the past year, maybe more, I dont know, and died a couple of days ago. Sad. Although she does seem reasonably upbeat about things and I think it was to be expected and that he left her pretty much in her arms after saying goodbye. An experience she described as amazing. She is presently writing an Idiot's guide to Dreamweaver, which is pretty cool since she has never really used the programme before. I guess that that will come in handy though.
So, whats on my mind? Jamaica for a start having just been exposed to some pictures of pablo's parents wedding in the 60s in Jamaica. Very cool. Very very cool. Some serious afro we a deal wid der, ya get me rude buoys? I have also been shaking da batty tu da tune dem all evening. Sometimes, nothing gets me more pumped up and in touch with my spirit than some exceptionally good reggae/dancehall.
Wrtings good. Royalties are great! Well so my friend has just informed me. I'll have to investigate this further. I can sense a book coming on. When it will materialise I have no idea but it has been prophesised...(is that the correct spelling?)
Ah, the future. What does it hold? We create our own future for sure and I believe that a vast majority of factors can be controlled, more so than one would expect...
I'm just not flowing this evening. I think I am just too tired and too many thoughts bubbling around on a more sub-conscious level. A lot of issues and events ned processing rather than necessarily teasing them out and expressing them now. I am in a state of flux and as much as I value writing things down and confronting things head on. Now is not the time to externalise my mind. I like the idea of leaving it just there, to simmer away, to morph and change and not have the solidification and clarification that writing so often brings....
Glass of milk calls...
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| people |
[14 Aug 2003|12:05am] |
Some people are truly remarkable. Or rather conversation with remarkable people is truly invigorating. It's amazing how much value is gained from simply thrashing out issues revolving around in your mind and having someone acknowledge and justify their existence. A quick call to a friend turned out to be a 2 1/2 hour affair. Topics focused largely on individuals who are close to us in life, particularly people we have grown up with, had our formative years with, and the dynamics of those interactions and how they change over time. It's funny how our emotions are products of expectations and how increasingly one has to reduce expectations with respect to the behaviour and levels of awareness in other individuals.
I am still coming to terms with this whole journal thing. I'm not sure who I want to have access to it. I'd like to write in an unconstrained fashion. I guess this will come in time. I suppose their might be worth reading some of the journals to gain an impression of what is written but then at the same time I like the idea of being uninfluenced. My sources and inspirations restricted to life outside this somewhat more introspective online world.
Today I set up a bank account for Urban Sofa, a business that will be unfolded over the coming months. It might be worth making notes on its evolution on this journal actually. I'll have to see how it goes. It's a funny thing this journal writing - really like the idea of its entirely organic nature, of writing in an unplanned nature. We'll just have to see what happens. See, what's the we all about? Who's we? Are you talking to yourself. No-body's gonna read this surely? (Apart from maybe you pablo, and even you'll get bored after a couple of entries!!)
What are the universal truths?
It's so beautiful to just construct sentences with little regard for anything. For the sole purpose of cathartic expression. There are no rules. Well, maybe one rule - that there are no rules.
What is this obsession with rules? This manifestation of a deep rooted rebelliousness. I wouldn't change it for anything but sometimes I wonder if there is an easy way to live life. To not allow it to manifest itself in such an extreme fashion. To compromise. Maybe. Maybe not. Compromise with other individuals as a process of meeting in the middle, as a token of consideration. But, dont compromise with yourself. Be true to yourself.
What is this babble coming out of my mouth?
Am I at rest?
Life is about sacrifice. There isn't enough time.
Time to listen to Royksopp "In Space" (Track 4). Time to transcend the physical.
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| a liccle hungover |
[10 Aug 2003|01:16pm] |
Just trying to get in the habit of posting thoughts on this journal. I went to Sugar Lounge last night. The usual story. Good music, reasonable eye candy and a lot of pretense. I drank probably about half a large bottle of Vodka followed by a number of beers and shots of Sambuca. Sambuca comes from Italy by the way. I bet you didn't know that! Just about to leave to watch the Charity Shield - Arsenal vs Man Utd - with my Grandad. I haven't been to see the grandparents for about a month which is terrible...
Don't think. Just write.
Value is found in the writing. Not the reading.
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| Undecided |
[09 Aug 2003|02:12am] |
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Welcome to my journal. Welcome to an aspect of my consciousness.
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ajayy's journal